A Very Demented Fanfiction
by Lanerose
Summary: Crack fic. Complete and total crack fic. In response to a challenge involving keychain sayings, if that gives you an idea.


AN : I'm reformatting all stories since the "make your own 70 character line" problem got fixed several years ago and my stories can now stretch to proper length. What a trip down memory lane! Original author's note below, original story below. Wow, I was whiny! X.x Forgive me, my only excuse is that I was also 12.

This story was created in response to a challenge made by Kii. I think its funny, although it's pretty darn pointless. Well anyways, read, enjoy, and then REVIEW!! For heaven's sakes people, is it so hard to type a word and click a button?

I don't own any of these characters, and I don't say that I do. Don't sue, ok? I don't have anything worth taking. I do actually own the three guys, but that's another story entirely, ne? It's unedited, so be gentle in reviewing.

_**A Very Demented Fanfiction**  
By: Eternal Rose_

Usagi and the other girls were shopping in the mall. Suddenly, they spotted some dweeb staring at Usagi's butt.

"Someone stop me before I shop again!" Usagi said. She turned to the man. "I'm busy now, I'll ignore you later."

When he looked confused, Michiru advised her princess, "It's early. Talk slower, use smaller words."

"Let me make this simple for you… No!" Haruka said to him, trying to steer Usagi away from the man.

"I was just sitting there walking by…" he mumbled, trying to get himself out of what could potentially be a bad situation.

"Ground rules: Don't touch me, don't stare at me, and don't talk to me." Usagi said, glaring. "I already have a fiancée, and he'd be more than willing and able to hurt you."

"Yeah, save it for someone who's interested!" Michiru commented. She proceeded to then mutter, "As if anyone would be."

The man just continued to sit there staring at Usagi.

"Look at him! Breaking the rules with no regrets…" Haruka said. "Tell me, are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?"

"Has anyone seen my potential?" he asked suddenly. When no one answered him, he fled away crying.

"Well, he just proved my theory right. Men have feelings too, but who really cares? No one." Minako stated.

Several minutes later, another man walked up to Usagi, this one being rather fat. He said, "Bite me. Literally."

Usagi made a face and said, "Go away, you're freaking me out."

"But baby, we could go to the ocean together and take a swim in the moonlight. It would feel so good to be naked with you." The man replied.

"Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?" Rei asked.

Yeah, and if swimming is good for your body, how do you explain whales?" Makoto added.

"Why are you here and what can I do to change that?" the ever-inquisitive Ami asked. The other senshi turned to stare at her, and she had the good grace to blush a flaming scarlet.

"Sweet thing, you don't wanna miss out on me." The plump man said, leaning in towards Usagi with a leering look on his face.

"How can I miss you if you won't GO AWAY!" Usagi screamed at him.

"I have money. I'll pay you to come away with me." He told her, his stomach jiggling as he tried to move closer to her.

Hotaru made a disgusted face and started to tell the idiot off. "Money isn't everything."

"But its right up there with oxygen!" The man completed Hotaru's sentence for her, not allowing her time to say what she actually thought.

"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do." Setsuna said.

"You have just given me something to live for… Revenge!" Hotaru screamed at the man. Scared out of his mind by the short black haired girl, he ran off. She smiled sweetly. "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"We really have to watch it around her." Setsuna remarked as Hotaru chased after the man.

"How can you be so cynical?" Usagi querried. She didn't enjoy hearing anyone talk badly about her friends.

"I'm not cynical… just experienced." Setsuna told her. "I'm actually quite pleasant until I am awake."

"You're impossible." Michiru stated.

"Why be difficult when you can be impossible?" Setsuna remarked. "My name is trouble and I earned it."

"I don't need your attitude, I have one of my own." Michiru said.

Setsuna snorted. "I'm not opinionated… I am just always right."

The two of them started fighting physically, and things were beginning to get out of hand. Haruka decided to join in on Michiru's side, and Makoto sprang to the defense of Setsuna. Setsuna somehow slipped out of the fight.

"Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done." She stated before disappearing into one her patent-pending Pluto portals.

Suddenly a very cute boy walked up to the others. Minako sighed. "If it weren't for boys, I'd quit school."

"I is a student." The boy said proudly. "I took an IQ test… the results were negative!"

Minako looked at him. "Erm… that's nice, I suppose but… I only like two kinds of guys… domestic and imported."

The boy smiled. "I smile because I have no idea what's going on. I do what the voices inside my head tell me to."

"Its all about the attitude!" Usagi exclaimed, smiling triumphantly.

"In some cultures, what I do is considered normal!" He told them contentedly. Minako dragged him away, Rei trailing after them. Minako called something over her shoulder about getting a motel room.

"I haven't found Mr. Right but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Crude, and Mr. Cocky." Usagi remarked wistfully. Ami had taken out her computer and was making some calculations.

"According to my computer, you should meet Mr. Right in about 10 seconds." Ami told Usagi. At that moment Mamoru appeared, and Usagi ran to him and hugged him. "I guess even my calculations can't be correct one hundred percent of the time."

It is highly doubtful that anyone was surprised to hear a voice over the loudspeaker make the announcement, "We're sorry. Today has been canceled due to a lack of excitement."

_**End Story**_

Kii, I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had writing this!!! Thanks for the challenge, it was a really great way to get some frustration out. (How, you ask? Simple. I pretended the three guys were my three least favorite people on the planet and BAM all of a sudden it was fantastically fun and frustration became fleeting. Alliteration fun, too!)

Domo arigato for the idea, it even got my mind off of Moving On for a little while, the next chapter of which is now definitively slated for about Friday because of reader responses. Later people!

Rose


End file.
